Dating AOL style

Jesus said that the Greatest Commandment was, “To Love God with all your heart and soul and mind, and the second is like the first, love your neighbor as yourself.” I really believe that Jesus told us this not because it would first please God, but rather because if followed, it would give all of us much happiness.




Just to make sure we understood this message, we have that great definition of love by Paul. I’m sure that if you closely look at those whose lives are lonely, who have no friends, you will see that this message has not reached them. I am not talking mumbo jumbo here, I’m talking good, practical sense. Let’s consider two passages here; the first is 1st Corinthians Chapter 13:

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not believe in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes always preserveres.


WOW, WOW, AND DOUBLE WOW! There it is, all the Masters and Johnston, Dr. Ruth and Playboy advisor all rolled up into one easily-understood passage. Really, it should go on the back of the wedding license and on the Trojan box (remember: men and women of the married variety). I can practically guarantee you romantic happiness if you and your spouse follow this advice - and why stop there? This is simply great advice for a lifetime of great friendships and success, and it costs you nothing that you shouldn’t already have to give.

But I am being premature here. I have several months to go before I can really get into that conversation.

I was very surprised when I got my first IM (instant message); it was from some woman (I hope), whose name is forever lost. I remember she was from California and recently divorced; she had two children who occupied a lot of her time, and her only social outlet was talking to people on AOL. I’m not sure what attracted her to me; perhaps it was my typing (who knows), but she IM’s me and asked me if I was single. On my profile I left the “single/married” line out because I wasn’t sure. I mean, it was pretty clear that I would not reconcile - or more accurately that Karen would not reconcile - so while technically I was married, in the libido department I was definitely single; and the only single women in town ( both of them ) were still busy.

This nameless woman and I chatted for some while, and she aided me in my understanding of how to use AOL. We got to be reasonable friends and, as luck would have it, she was going to be visiting a girlfriend within a few hundred miles of where I lived. Plans were made to meet each other at an exotic restaurant (Denny’s). After we made arrangements to meet, I did a great version of a short and chunky high five and thought to myself, “I’m going to survive this!” Little did I know of the trickery of the Smiling Mortician. First of all, it was winter - and that meant several hours of driving in a less-than-reliable car under what could best be called “miserable conditions.” The lonesome town I lived in is lonesome for good reason: it’s tucked neatly into an area where the Army should conduct its cold weather maneuvers. Calling the car I had borrowed, “less than reliable” is like calling Jimmy Hoffa “definitely on the never gonna come back list.” Not to be deterred, I gathered up my warmest clothes, a flashlight, a blanket, some soup (forgot the can opener), and told a few friends of my plans in case I would never return. I did consider calling up a creditor - they always seem to know how to find me.

My friends reacted predictably; “You’re WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!” seemed to be a consensual reaction. There is a gap between the reality of people who do not use the chat rooms and those that do.

People who have never been online see any online activity as a perversion at worse, and a silliness at best – while meeting a woman in the appropriate manner (In Sisters this involved getting drunk and having her drive you home while you pretended to be simply tired from being such an extraordinary worker) is viewed as appropriate civil behavior, the idea that you might actually meet someone you have never even seen was considered flat-out foolishness. It kinda bothered me that my “friends” were more concerned about this part of the meeting than even venturing a, “You’re a damn fool for trying to drive that piece of crap over the mountain.” I suspect if I were driving that piece of crap to the local saloon, they might have mentioned that to me. They were triaging the whole thing and, as friends, I suspect they had my best interest at heart. And as friends, I could count on them to tell everyone in the town what a fool I was.